Adoration

I don't often hear other Moms talking about this. In fact, I have a really difficult time expressing myself when I try to talk to Steve about this topic. I cannot explain the complete and utter sense of adoration I have for Hayden.

I find myself taking mental snapshots of her, memorizing every last detail of the fading babiness - the little dimples in her hands where someday knuckles will be, the soft curve of her forearm meeting her elbow, her desire to be carried by me, her absolute willingness to lay down in her crib each night. When I hold her close to me I try to fill myself up with the sensation of being so connected to her physically as I once was. I am so acutely aware of her not only growing up but also growing away - needing me less and less each day. I sometimes feel desperate, trying to soak in as much of her few remaining baby qualities as I can and burn them into my memory.

I came across this poem today that somewhat captures how I feel.

Normal day, let me be aware of the treasure you are. Let me learn from you, love you, bless you before you depart. Let me not pass you by in quest of some rare and perfect tomorrow. Let me hold you while I may, for it may not always be so. One day I shall dig my nails into the earth, or bury my face in the pillow, or stretch myself taut, or raise my hands to the sky and want, more than all the world, your return.
― by Mary Jean Irion

I already don't want to let her go.